-an experience that has greatly influenced my life
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Sitting on the rocking chair in the upstairs living room, I stare at the television, not really paying attention to the show. All I here is the voice coming from the phone my mom was holding. "...Florentina has lung cancer. They said she'll have to do surgery and go into Chemotherapy." I recognize the woman's voice, it sounds like my aunty Shirley. "We'll just play by ear and see who will be able to take her to the doctor. Besides that, all we can do now is pray that grandma will get better." Getting up from my chair after my aunty hung up, I turn to see my two brothers, my mom, and my dad look at me. "Grandma will be all right," I say, "I know she will."
A year passed since my family and I found out my dad's mom had lung cancer. She lost almost all her hair so she always had her short, curly, dark brown wig on. She was definitely doing better though. It was Friday and the sun was slowly rising above the mountains. Since it was teacher institue day, I didn't have school. I decided to go with my dad and visit my grandma at her house in Kalihi. As we parked in the narrow driveway, I heard faint crying coming from the house. I jumped out of the car and squeezed my way towards the door.
When I stepped inside, the crying became louder. I looked to my right and saw my grandma lying down on the coach sleeping with her brown wig off. I walked to the room across the entrance and saw my aunty Marilyn with my cousin Zachary, who was screaming his head off. As my aunty turned and realized it was me, she said, "Oh hi Kris! I was just about to wake grandma up to watch Zach because I have to leave for work, but since you and your dad are here, would you mind watching him?" Of course I said I didn't mind, I didn't want to wake my grandma up. When my cousin Zach started to calm down, my aunty left for work.
"Oh boy, he's a handfull," I told my dad. For a two year old, he was extra big and tall, and he was also autistic. Since he barely knew how to talk, he kept throwing tantrums when we didn't get him whatever he was trying to tell us. He would stomp his feet, fall on the ground, try to kick us if we got close, and cry loudly if wanted something. It was amazing my grandma stayed asleep during all the tantrums. Although my grandma was getting better, I knew she was still weak, that's why I was glad my dad and I were there, I thought my grandma deserved a long rest if she had to watch Zach everyday.
Ever since that one day at my grandma's house, I always went back. I wanted to help my grandma take care of Zach, I also wanted to help take care of her. She was still weak, and could only walk short distances. She ate very little and lost a lot of weight. But she was fighting the cancer, she was getting better. She was able to take care of Zach and cook filipinio food. She was able to talk story with others, even though her voice was quiet. My grandma never gave up, she fought the cancer. She influenced me to never give up and to take care of others. Everyday, I still pray for her to get better.
KRISTEN MONICO!!!
ReplyDelete(well first off, happy birthday heehee)
you should read through some of your sentences, especially the dialouge ones because some of them are run-on sentences.
i think you should show more instead of telling about one specific aspect of the story.... like have the beginning u have, but expand on the part where you took care of zach. and even though it was hard that you did it to help out your grandma.
i like how you described your grandma, and it was kinda funny how she was still sleeping after all the noise and i like how you concluded the whole essay
i think this is such a good story on how you wanted to help our grandma out (: good start kristen!
-korie
Kristen,
ReplyDeleteFirst thing i noticed reading your essay it contains more tell than show. AHH!
You need reread your essay because it has some grammtical errors.
You could elaborate more on your ideas using descriptive adjectives to get a better understanging of what you are trying to say.
Overall i felt like you were telling us a story rather than painting us a picture.
Although, you have a really goo topic.
-Britt
Hi Kristen,
ReplyDeleteLike your classmates, I agree that this was a good topic. Like them, too, I think you need to do more show than tell.
I think, too, that you need to be clearer on your focus. If it is your grandma and her never giving up against cancer, then you should stress that part. You can describe what she's had to go through...
Then, if you want to use the Zach part to show how her attitude has affected you, you will need details to show your interactions with Zach and how you persevere to take care of him because of the example your grandma has set.
That way, your essay would be more focused...right now, it seems as if there are several incidents being explained without a strong sense of where we are going as we read.
Let me know if you have questions.
mrs s