Thursday, September 17, 2009

Rough Draft: Querencia

The New Birds at Asing Park

"C'mon Kris, get up!" my dad yells when the sun is barely shining over the rocky mountains. It was about 8:42 in the morning. I groaned as I got up to get ready. After putting on my Downy scented uniform, I rush to gather the rest of my equipment; socks, shin guards, shoes, soccer ball, and my water bottle. Practically tasting the food from the sweet smell of butter, I hurried to put on my last sock fast enough to have the last piece of toast. No longer tired, but instead, bouncing on the tip of my toes, my dad and I start walking to the ditch that separates our neighborhood and Asing park.

At last, we reach the edge of the ditch. My dad and I creep down the ditch using the weeds that tickle our legs below our knees for support, so we won't fall on the dusty dirt. Clumps of dirt crunch under our feet as we make our way up now. I keep myself from shrieking as my foot slipped on the dirt, almost sending me back down the hill of brown dust. Making our final step out of the ditch, we walk onto the dry, but green grass.

We made it to our destination, Asing park. As my eyes scan across the fields looking for other turquoise uniforms, the birds sing above our heads, younger children screaming in the distance and running around, not caring what others think of them. I spot the other girls with turquoise uniforms and we go to join them.

My dad decides for us to start warming up for the game. My team and I start jogging to the end of the field and back as slow as coach, which is my dad, lets us go. I let my mind drift away when we start to jog. I feel like I'm one of those birds who can fly high up in the sky and make morning music for others. A soft sound came from some place, but I wasn't sure where from. We finished jogging and I came back to reality. Oh, that sound I heard was me singing. My teammates all look at me like I'm weird, but afterward there were high, low, and pitchy voices singing with me.

There was fifteen minutes to spare before the game started and I was eager to play already. The game seemed fun and easy because now it seemed like I can be myself. I don't have to worry about what others think of me or how I play. I just let myself go free, like the little kids screaming in the distance.

3 comments:

  1. Hey Kristin (:

    You beginning is good. You have a lot of details such as, "After putting on my Downy scented uniform, I rush to gather the rest of my equipment; socks, shin guards, shoes, soccer ball, and my water bottle." Also,
    "tasting the food from the sweet smell of butter, I hurried to put on my last sock fast enough to have the last piece of toast." I don't see any errors in your draft, so you are doing a great job!

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  2. ok you described your querencia very well with great detail but you should add how asing park is your querencia. why is it someplace you feel comfortable in? you also change the colors of the uniforms from teal to turquoise. One last thing is in the beginning you should use a different adjective instead of bumpy mountains.good job though :)

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  3. Hi Kristen,
    Good job on description and selectivity of detail.
    I agree with Angela's recommendations--show how Asing Park has contributed to your identity and sense of self. And, *chuckle* I also noticed the shift in uniform color. Her comment on the adjective "bumpy" is accurate as well...it doesn't match with mountains.
    Good luck on the revision :)
    mrs s

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