Teens nowadays get stressed out by everything. 78 percent of teen stress is caused by parents. When members of the family are facing problems or parents pressure their children to do well, teens stress out. Sometimes the stress from families help teens do well in school or other activities. Most of the time however, stress hurts teenagers more than it helps them. Stress caused by family members is bad for teens.
True, too much stress from the family is bad for teenagers however, it can do some good to them. When parents tell stories of their past to their children, it can cause some of the teens to be the same or exact opposite. In short stories about peer pressure, a teenage girl named Ashley explains how she is pressured to do her best and go to a good college. The reason she feels pressured is because her parents didn't graduate from college and she wants to make her parents proud.
On the other hand, teenagers who stress out because of their family can cause a change in health and personality. When parents fight or stress out because of finacial problems, their sons and daughters also stress out and are affected by it as well. When teenagers notice thier parents are stressed out, they start having mood changes or go into depression. In a study based on kids and teens who stress out over their parents stressing out, 33 percent of teens say they feel sad, 43 percent say they are worried, and 38 percent say they feel frustrated. Some teens also become overweight because of stress caused by family members' problems.
The pressure parents put on their children also cause teenagers to stress out. In an article about parental pressure on teen athletes, Joe, a fourteen-year-old boy, loves playing both basketball and football. His parents however, discourage him from playing football and force him to only play basketball. Joe stresses out because he loves playing football but he doesn't want to disappoint his parents. The stress teen athletes get from parents can also cause injuries. When parents push their children to play sports, sometimes teens have overuse injuries on their young bones, which can be a lifelong problem.
Teenagers shouldn't have more stress than they can handle. Stress causes teenagers to change their ways of thinking and of living. Stress causes teens to go into depression. Stress also causes teens to be unhappy and do things they don't want to. In conclusion, teenagers who get stressed out by their parents can be hurt for life.
Hey Kristen. :)
ReplyDeleteYour essay is great and right to the point. It even includes details into teens' lives and how parental pressure affects their lives.
Revisions:
Spell check it, some words are spelled incorrectly.
Your beginning and conclusion could be stronger. In the beginning, you could elaborate on "everything" that stresses a teen out and stretch out the statistics beyond parents. For example:
"x% of teens are stressed out by blah, x% amount by blah, and a whopping 78% of teens are stressed out by their parents."
In this way, it will further solidify what you are against and will give a preview of what is to come in your essay.
Also, for the ending of your body paragraphs, you could explain what the symptions of stress can lead to. Take for example in the 4rd paragraph where you talk about injuries to teen bones. You could potentially list some of the problems it could lead to later in life.
For your conclusion, you reiterate the phrase "stress causes teens/teenagers..." several times. I'm sure that this is probably for paragraph fluency as it is in a pattern, but I think you could spice it up a little by adding further detail to the "causes".
Happy Trails <3
-Jordie
Hey Kristen!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late comment! I was so busy when I got home D;
Anyway I have just finished reading your essay and I think that your essay is concise in what you’re saying, in other words, straightforward. I find it helpful that you used statistics about how many percent of teens and kids are stressed out from their parents. But in this sentence: “In a study based on kids and teens who stress out over their parents stressing out, 33 percent of teens say they feel sad, 43 percent say they are worried, and 38 percent say they feel frustrated. Some teens also become overweight because of stress caused by family members' problems.” using the word ‘stress’ comes out a little redundant throughout your essay. You could use other phrases for the word ‘stress’ like, family pressure, parental pressure, affliction, tension, etc. As for the second sentence, what other physical or mental effects result in from stress from their parents?
Your organization is really good. You have an introduction, you present the other side of your argument, YOUR side of the argument, examples, and a conclusion. You chose a good transition for both sides of your proposition: “True” and “On the other hand.” That shows a really good compare between them.
The examples you used about the parental pressure put on the teen athlete was a good idea too!
I agree with Jordie about having a stronger beginning and ending, and explaining the symptoms of stress it can result to.
(Oh yeah, don't forget to cite your sources in your final!)
If you do this, you’re essay will be ready to be turned in as a final!
Good Luck!
-Shannel :D
Hi Kristen,
ReplyDeleteNot sure what happened here...but I am posting my comment and also sending it on email.
Your two teammates have done an excellent job in their commentary. Both Jordie and Shannel do a great job of acknowledging your research and specific support for your ideas and also give great suggestions about how you can make them even stronger. I agree with these suggestions.
I also agree with them about the overuse of the word "stress." I do not, however, recoemmend that you look for synonyms. Instead, look for ways to restructure some of your sentences so that you don't have to keep repeating the word.
Good luck on the revision :)
mrs s